dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
