I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
