she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
