apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
