the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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