my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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