Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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