I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
FUCK WHALES
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