If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I just googled if crying burns calories
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Randomize
