We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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