when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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