i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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