she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
