and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I love how my cats smell like pot.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
