someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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