I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
