I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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