he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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