1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
