His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
