over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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