Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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