you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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