Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
