He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
