i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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