I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
