u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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