Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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