I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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