apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Life is so much better after having sex.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Randomize
