All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
