I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Enjoy the penises
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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