Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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