Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
