WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Randomize
