I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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