I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
