I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
