OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
