The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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