oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
