I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize