You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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