His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
