So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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