Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
