At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
