I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize