Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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