my sisters under your porch take her home
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
