why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
