I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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