i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
