Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Two words: blizzard sex
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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