Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
