I wish I could teleport
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
i need to put some appletini on your dick
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
