I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
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