I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
